So I have been thinking about what to write, there’s so many blogs and what not about riding and training horses etc. So I thought I would write about something that’s maybe going to mean something or nothing to some people, but it’s a constant struggle for me.
And the distinct lack of enough of it. I am not a professional rider, I don’t have the time to spend with my horses that I would like, which would essentially be all day. Like most people I have all the average trappings of life to deal with. I have a son, who although is 15, obviously is my priority, and I have the other animals in the menagerie to look after, a house to run and a full time job that can often be demanding and involve long hours and long commutes depending on where I am sent that day.
I pile so much pressure on myself to be able to get it all done and adult effectively that there have been times I have become quite unwell through sleep deprivation or stress. I suffer from migraines and they tend to be my bodies way of making me stop. They make me disappear to bed for up to 12 hours at a time where the only thing I can do is sleep until it goes away. This week I have worked 44 hours in Europe’s busiest accident and emergency department, driven over 1000 miles, often not getting home until 2am and getting back up at 6am for another shift. And this morning I got up and looked around at the devastation that was my house, the ironing pile that will take me hours to get through, the hoovering and cleaning that needs doing, and I won’t lie my heart breaks a bit.
It strikes me that there is so much pressure that I place upon myself to try and be perfect, do everything, achieve so much. And it strikes me that I need to remember that I am one person. An imperfect human being, and that no one actually cares if my ironing pile is so huge that it will soon topple over and begin colonising my lounge. I doubt very much that anyone will care that I haven’t hoovered the house for a couple of days. But I also feel, probably stupidly, that if I don’t achieve that I will have somehow failed at life. I look around and see people who have their lives in order and seem to breeze through it and just cope. When I don’t seem to be able to have a clue how to even be able to tie my own shoelaces half the time. Let alone get everything done that needs doing.
But today, after an absolute nightmare of a week, I realise that the horses are happy, the ancient immortal Labrador is enjoying his chilled out twilight years, the cats, well they are catting, the teenager is clean and fed, and somehow a level harmony and calm has been achieved.
So I guess my ramble is essentially me trying to say that there are times that life in intense and overwhelming and there are times we will all feel like we are failing, and what I am also trying to say is that the chances are that those people who look like they are living the perfect life are probably thinking the same about you. We all have our struggles and issues in life, but the small successes are the ones that we should focus on and take pride in. And today the success is that everyone is happy and fed.