If you’ve been following my social media handles you’ll see I’ve had a pretty pants time recently.
My old ride Ali got put to sleep, I was involved in a car accident which wrote my car off and I needed over 6 weeks of physio for, my relationship broke down which resorted in me losing my house so I had to move back to my parents. It all seems doom and gloom, but also I have found a new horse to ride and I’m beginning to find my feet again.
I’ve been working 14 hour days, then some weeks I’ve been working 7 days a week to keep my mind occupied. Maybe it was a road to self destruction as I didn’t really know what else to do with myself, I had also been relying on alcohol to keep myself on a permanent level of something. As you know, alcohol is also a depressant so I was living in a constant loop of tiredness and substance abuse.
I’ve always been an advocate for Mental Health and the importance of looking after yourself, which is rather hypocritical of me as I wasn’t looking after myself.
I see myself as a selfless person and I put my time into helping others, I’d much rather the people around me were ok... I didn’t really feel that I mattered.
I had a fantastic support network but I never reached out, I struggled alone and that was beginning to show. I had a few close friends who I’d message but I never told them how I really felt. I lost over a stone in weight and I went off food completely, I was making myself poorly. But who was to know that I was feeling like this?
I was the class clown and just put on a brave face.... so long as I was laughing and making others happy, they’d never know that I was at a point that I actually didn’t want to be here anymore.
I made some decisions and they have been life changing, as cliché as you think that is. They haven’t been HUGE life changes but added together I am on a new healthier path.
My new ride Brian aka Princess Brian was found through Facebook when I put a post up asking if anyone had something I could ride, his owners messaged me and I went to meet him... I have to say (as stupid as it sounds) I fell in love as soon as I saw him.
We’ve had our communication errors and our arguments but we have also now started to click, I know in the beginning I was rushing to have what I had with Ali... so much so that I just assumed Brian would just jump as I asked without building a foundation of trust. Which wasn’t fair on him or me, but after taking a look at myself, I slowed down my expectations of him and me... and now we are working amazing together.
We get placed at most shows, we’ve qualified for National Championships and he’s a happy little bean.
Just having a horse that you can put your full focus on can genuinely make everything feel ok again, I love that little beast and we’ve only been a partnership for about 6 months.
I’m really looking forward to the summer season on him, and I can’t wait to see how it goes.
I think the aim of this blog is to tell you all that it will all be ok in the end, talk to your friends and your family - that’s what they are here for, you’ll feel much better. Just don’t struggle alone, if you don’t feel like you can’t talk to people close to you, then I can make myself available for you; just send me a message. It’s ok to not be ok, and make sure you do look after you... there’s only one of you, and sometimes you need to realise how loved you really are.