If you’ve been following my social media handles you’ll see I’ve had a pretty pants time recently.

My old ride Ali got put to sleep, I was involved in a car accident which wrote my car off and I needed over 6 weeks of physio for, my relationship broke down which resorted in me losing my house so I had to move back to my parents. It all seems doom and gloom, but also I have found a new horse to ride and I’m beginning to find my feet again.

I’ve been working 14 hour days, then some weeks I’ve been working 7 days a week to keep my mind occupied. Maybe it was a road to self destruction as I didn’t really know what else to do with myself, I had also been relying on alcohol to keep myself on a permanent level of something. As you know, alcohol is also a depressant so I was living in a constant loop of tiredness and substance abuse.

I’ve always been an advocate for Mental Health and the importance of looking after yourself, which is rather hypocritical of me as I wasn’t looking after myself.

I see myself as a selfless person and I put my time into helping others, I’d much rather the people around me were ok... I didn’t really feel that I mattered.

I had a fantastic support network but I never reached out, I struggled alone and that was beginning to show. I had a few close friends who I’d message but I never told them how I really felt. I lost over a stone in weight and I went off food completely, I was making myself poorly. But who was to know that I was feeling like this?

 I was the class clown and just put on a brave face.... so long as I was laughing and making others happy, they’d never know that I was at a point that I actually didn’t want to be here anymore.

I made some decisions and they have been life changing, as cliché as you think that is. They haven’t been HUGE life changes but added together I am on a new healthier path.

My new ride Brian aka Princess Brian was found through Facebook when I put a post up asking if anyone had something I could ride, his owners messaged me and I went to meet him... I have to say (as stupid as it sounds) I fell in love as soon as I saw him.

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We’ve had our communication errors and our arguments but we have also now started to click, I know in the beginning I was rushing to have what I had with Ali... so much so that I just assumed Brian would just jump as I asked without building a foundation of trust. Which wasn’t fair on him or me, but after taking a look at myself, I slowed down my expectations of him and me... and now we are working amazing together.

We get placed at most shows, we’ve qualified for National Championships and he’s a happy little bean.

Just having a horse that you can put your full focus on can genuinely make everything feel ok again, I love that little beast and we’ve only been a partnership for about 6 months.

I’m really looking forward to the summer season on him, and I can’t wait to see how it goes.

I think the aim of this blog is to tell you all that it will all be ok in the end, talk to your friends and your family - that’s what they are here for, you’ll feel much better. Just don’t struggle alone, if you don’t feel like you can’t talk to people close to you, then I can make myself available for you; just send me a message. It’s ok to not be ok, and make sure you do look after you... there’s only one of you, and sometimes you need to realise how loved you really are.

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Comments (4)

Mate we are so alike its unreal , I too have had a rough time over the last few years . Im about as low as you can get at the momemt but today I got a job . Step one is completed and now I have good money coming in I can sort myself out . It has taken close friends and family too make me realise that I can be someone and I can just do things for me . I have spent my life living but giving everything I have to others . This time ( at 40 years old ) Im gonna build myself up and concentrate on myself . We can do this , together if you like ? My caravan is always open lol . Hoping to move into a flat soon once I build up a little cash . Keep your head up zob’s , when your at the bottom and cant go lower the only way is up x

Nathan Kittts

Wow what an inspiration. Having suffered severely with mental health issues myself I am so proud of @thatsassyrider talking about an often taboo subject.

Well done @equissimo for recognising the importance of mental health and publishing!

Gemma Slaney

You really are a wonderful, selfless person, you took the time to reach out to me after I had my ‘something that scares me’ live ramble on YouTube and to think you had so much happening in your own life at that time and still want to support others is truly beautiful.
And I’ll offer the same to you, we’ve never met in person, but if you ever need an ear to listen, I’m here.
Lucy xoxo

Lucy Fell

LOVE this, going through a crazy amount of “downs” at the moment, and can’t really see an up side. Faith fully restored… x

Emma Deans

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